Recently my wife and I celebrated 18 years of marriage together. And I’ve been thinking a lot about it. We didn’t really get much of a chance to celebrate per se. I was 2.5 weeks post knee replacement and we were both sick. But that’s okay. We’ll go eat somewhere later and reminisce another time.
Our 18 years of marriage has been vastly different than the experience of many today. I often hear people say “marriage is hard” or even “marriage is the hardest thing you’ll ever do”. I simply cannot relate. My marriage is easy. We have both gone through difficulties and I was glad to g through them together. But my marriage has never been the difficulty.
Part of that is obviously that my wife is wonderful. And anyone that knows her will tell you this straight up. But I also think there is more to this. I believe there is a way of viewing marriage that inherently brings hardship into the marriage. There is a way to make marriage hard.
There is a way of thinking about marriage that encourages competition between husband and wife. And it’s not competition for the better. It’s a competition that encourages the greed of envy to grow in the heart. It’s comparing what you do with what your spouse does and competing over who has it harder rather than viewing marriage as building something together.
It’s turning this beautiful arrangement of marriage into a set of contractual obligations and expecting to get paid for services rendered at the appropriate time.
Contractual Buffoonery
I have watched several shorts on Facebook and YouTube of late that had women arguing that they do somewhere in the neighborhood of $150k-$200k worth of work at home. Therefore, their husband should be giving them that much income. On the flip side, I saw a man ask how much personal protection is worth. And he put a dollar amount on that.
Both of these are ignorant and what I’ll call here, contractual buffoonery. Because they don’t understand marriage, they turned the conversation into what the other person owes them rather than marriage. That kind of talk has more in common with prostitution than marriage. We don’t serve each other and then expect pay in return.
That’s not marriage. That’s a contractual arrangement.
You Must Go Back To The Beginning
It is often helpful to go back to the beginning of a thing when we lose our way. If we don’t understand how something operates, it is oftentimes helpful to look back and see why it was created and how it was intended to work. And if we do that with marriage, then the idea of paying your spouse for their labor looks like two monkeys trying to figure out how to do a rubik’s cube.
Notice what God said after He created man and woman.
“Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness. They will rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the livestock, the whole earth, and the creatures that crawl on the earth.” So God created man in his own image; he created him in the image of God; he created them male and female. God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and every creature that crawls on the earth.””
Genesis 1:26-28 CSB
Genesis 2 tells us of the first marriage in detail. But in Genesis 1 we are told of the purpose and function. It’s like we are given a view from the helicopter before landing and getting a closer look. In this we get a definition and what is supposed to happen.l within marriage.
God said that man and woman were created in His image. And they are to “multiply”, “subdue”, and “rule”.
And what do you notice about all of these things? Is it not that they are laboring together?
Two don’t become two that pay each other for services rendered. Two become one that labor together. The two become one (Genesis 2:24), and they work together to build and subdue.
Multiplication
One person can’t “multiply”. It takes two to tango. and when they tango, more of them are made. It would be completely ludicrous for her to expect pay for carrying that baby. “I gave you a child, the amount you owe is….”
This is a task that they take on together. It’s not some sort of a contractual obligation. It is the coming together of a man and a woman. And in their coming together, they mingle and make another image bearer. It’s beautiful.
Now, I understand that modern science has attempted to skew things here. And it has essentially made a way for two people to tango without ever meeting each other or the fun of tangoing. But this modern sluffing off of God’s design should not skew your perception of reality. God designed child rearing to be done within the bounds of marriage.
It seems to me disaster awaits those that attempt to multiply without joining someone in holy matrimony. Prisons are filled with the children of people that thought they could fornicate their way to happiness. They wanted the tango without the commitment and their kids were raised by their mother. We know that doesn’t work out well in a lot of circumstances. What makes us think that a mother with a designer baby and no husband will fare much better?
My point is that multiplication takes two. And that is by design.
Subjugation
What does it mean that man and woman come together to “subdue”?
I do not have the time to go into a lengthy explanation of this. I will, however, give a short one and point you to a book for further explanation. The book is The Temple and the Church’s Mission by G.K. Beale
The Garden of Eden was more than a garden. It was the place where God and man dwelt. It was a temple of sorts. And outside of Eden was the wilderness. The task of Adam and Eve was to subdue the wilderness and bring it under the rule and reign of God. It was to turn the whole Earth into a to a place where God and man dwell.
This means that man and wife come together to bring things under the subjection of God together. One of those somethings is the children that they create together. But really, it’s not limited to your offspring.
Again, man and wife are not just existing. They are not just fighting over who gets to take a nap while the other watches the kids. They are not just competing to see who has it worst or how much they are worth. They are building something together.
Rule
Together, husband wife are to rule over their domain. God has given to us the right to rule over creation.
As God’s image bearers, we are to rule as God’s Vice Regents upon Earth. And we do that as men and women. We do that together. God has given us the task of overseeing His creation and bringing it under His rule and reign.
You’re Building Something Together
My purpose in writing this entire post is to say that your marriage is to be building together. God created you in His image and brought a man and woman together to build, not to fulfill your every whim. You’re not competing with one another over who is worth more or competing with one another and complaining about who has life the hardest.
You are building something together.
Do you see those children in your home? The genetic material from both of you was used to create another living human being that will live forever either in Heaven or Hell. You both built him/her. You both are responsible for him/her. The father’s role is different from the mother’s, but you are doing this together. You are building this life together.
Look around. Do you see that home you live in? You are building that together. Do both of you work? Does one of you work to pay for that home? Either way, you’re doing that together.
You are together in this. You are not separate in this. You are building a life together.
Putting Flesh On It With Some Examples
Let’s say a husband comes home from a long day of work to find a clean home, well-cared for children, and food on the table. And Dad led the family in a dinner Bible devotion. What happened in this picture?
They were both building a beautiful life together. He left home to provide what was needed for his wife to build a loving and caring home. He provided her with the stuff. She made something beautiful out of it.
Let’s say a husband comes home from a long day of work to find a filthy home, children that are cranky because they ate sugary garbage all day, and he has to heat up his tv dinner in the microwave. And his wife was not sick, she just didn’t feel like it. And Dad led the family in a dinner Bible devotion. What happened here?
The husband tried and did his part. But her behavior, if it is a common occurrence, is sluggardness that could destroy the family. They are supposed to be cooperating to build a life together and she doesn’t care.
Let’s say a husband plays video games all day while his wife works a job, then comes home to do all the chores and feeding people as well.
The wife did more than her fair share and her efforts were met with selfishness. That could destroy the family.
Let’s say that both spouses work. It’s incredibly busy for both so they both pitch in and help cook and clean. And Dad led the family in a dinner Bible devotion.
Though busy as can be, they were both faithful to cooperate and work together to build this life together.
There are many other examples I could make, but all make a point. Well, what is my point?
My point is that marriage is a cooperative effort. It is a united man and woman building a life together. It is not just wrong to sluff off these duties, it is a betrayal of sorts. It is a sluggardness that is a slap in the face to the other partner. It’s a selfishness that destroys rather than builds.
Joy Comes Later…After You Do Something
Have you ever finished a project? Have you ever built something? Have you ever completed a task and looked at it with pride and joy?
It’s a pretty cool moment isn’t it?
I’ve now been married for 18 years. And I can look at that with joy. I am currently sitting in our home that is much nicer than the cockroach infested HUD housing that we began our marriage in. I look around and see beauty that my wife has orchestrated all around me. My children are currently asleep and I am very proud of them.
I look back at all this with gratitude and joy because God brought us together, commissioned us to build, and we can look at it and see that we have done so. It’s not been perfect. There have been bumps along the way. But we have built something.
You’re not going to find happy news in your marriage by chasing happiness. Chasing the fleeting feelings of happiness is going to places you don’t want to go. But if you do what is right, are faithful to the Lord and your spouse, and seek to build rather than chase every fleeting feeling, then someday you’ll look back and say,”God brought us together to build something beautiful. And look at the life we’ve built together.”
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